A Restoration
A few days ago, I dropped a newly-opened 500g tub of Flora margarine, and it landed, openside-down, on the kitchen floor. When I picked it up the entire polyunsaturated block decided that it quite liked it there, and came clean out of the tub.
1. I found that I was, in equal measure, irritated at the inconvenience, and intrigued by the unusual sight of half a kilo of raw yellow fat.
2. I used a fresh tea-towel (from the cupboard) to pick the block up, and placed it, rightside-up now, on a clean plate. I was surprised at how slippy and awkward it was to pick up. Given what it was that I was picking up, I find the fact that I was surprised in itself surprising.
3. I used some kitchen roll to carefully remove any margarine that might have come into contact with the floor. As the block was almost new I could afford to go for it a bit when removing any potentially unhygienic sections. I was in effect “margarine-rich” at the time of making the decision. A less abundant block of margarine would no doubt have precipitated more frugal estimate as to how much to remove. Thus our perception of reality is relative, and affected by environmental factors, including the mental state of the observer. Could this discovery lead philosophers to a sister theory to Occam’s Razor, known as “Occam’s Kitchen Roll”?
4. I was then able to de-invert the block of margarine back into the plastic tub and, with a minimum of cosmetic prodding, return it to at least a fleeting approximation of its previous state.
5. I was briefly entertained by the idea of returning it to the tub bottom-side-up, and the possibility of consuming the margarine backwards. I eventually concluded that the correct order should be restored, but I emerged from the experience a wiser and more complete person.
6. I have glimpsed the underside of the margarine.
Sounds like you need to invest in some lard. Stays as a mass and is delicious on toast.
Comment posted on 3rd December 2007 at 9:02 pmI was trying to explain this essay to a group of assembled ATR contributers last night and one of them said, “Hang on - is this something people do? Tip a tub upside down onto a plate and then…” It took me a long time to reassure them you’d dropped it accidentally, and it wasn’t the normal way of serving margarine. Maybe it should be though.
Comment posted on 9th December 2007 at 9:04 pmWith candles in it. On someone’s birthday.
Comment posted on 10th December 2007 at 10:23 amDid any part of you think that you might try to recreate the gentle swirl that is left at the top of certain tubs of brand new margarine? I assume the swirl is created by the cessation of force of the margarine from the margarine dispensing machine.
I suspect you didn’t try to recreate this. But your essay had me celebrating just briefly the gentle swirl.
I like curly, curvy, swirly things almost without prejudice.
Comment posted on 22nd January 2008 at 3:31 pm